HEY AGAIN!
Or if not again, welcome to The Attitude Of Adventure Blog!
I'm Morgan Deane and my mission with this blog is to give great, applicable advice and funny stories, so that you get a laugh, leave with something helpful, and keep coming back!
I'm a Christ follower, I'm married to the LOVE of my life, we're parents to Winston BARKtholomew Deane the Goldendoodle, and I love pizza! No seriously. I could eat pizza every day!
{Want to know More About Me? Check it out!}
And now, for the reason you came here today!
I'm Morgan Deane and my mission with this blog is to give great, applicable advice and funny stories, so that you get a laugh, leave with something helpful, and keep coming back!
I'm a Christ follower, I'm married to the LOVE of my life, we're parents to Winston BARKtholomew Deane the Goldendoodle, and I love pizza! No seriously. I could eat pizza every day!
{Want to know More About Me? Check it out!}
And now, for the reason you came here today!
When my parents moved away almost 3 years ago, I was distraught. I was still living at home, I didn't have my own car, and I was working as an intern, making $400 a month. Georgia had been my home since I was 9 and I'd had a hard time calling it so. I was homeschooled and didn't have a ton of friends. I was lonely and I thought for a long time that I would eventually move back to Missouri, back to my friends, back to my church, back to my home. It wasn't until high school that I finally started to feel like I could embrace Georgia as my own.
Then, the tragic news came that my dad was following his job to St. Louis. Shortly after I had come to love and embrace Georgia, my life was about to be uprooted again. I couldn't bear the thought of starting over, but I also couldn't stand to leave my family. I was torn.
So how would I make this big life decision? How would I decide the trajectory of my life? If I stayed in Georgia, I would probably get married and start a family here. If I moved, the same could be true. How was I supposed to know where my future was?
Then, the tragic news came that my dad was following his job to St. Louis. Shortly after I had come to love and embrace Georgia, my life was about to be uprooted again. I couldn't bear the thought of starting over, but I also couldn't stand to leave my family. I was torn.
So how would I make this big life decision? How would I decide the trajectory of my life? If I stayed in Georgia, I would probably get married and start a family here. If I moved, the same could be true. How was I supposed to know where my future was?
FIRST PRAY
"Yeah, yeah, I know I should pray, but I'm not hearing God. I don't feel pulled toward one or the other. It doesn't seem like He cares which way I go. Now what?"
I've felt this often. My prayers turn from, "Should I or should I not?" to, "Lord, help me to feel peace in this decision."
I've felt this often. My prayers turn from, "Should I or should I not?" to, "Lord, help me to feel peace in this decision."
Sitting in the silence and wondering should I move with my parents or try to stay and live in Georgia, I prayed harder and longer than ever in my life. I pray every day, several times a day.
I asked God to give me wisdom.
I prayed, God, show me the way.
I said, God, I don't know what to do.
I don't know which way to go.
And yet, I felt stuck. What should I do? Should I stay or should I go? My heart was sick. I became distant and short with my family. I stopped spending time at home and did everything I could to escape their eyes urging me to move with them. My heart was torn.
I prayed for peace. Lord, give me peace toward one decision or the other. Which one should I choose? What is your will?
I asked God to give me wisdom.
I prayed, God, show me the way.
I said, God, I don't know what to do.
I don't know which way to go.
And yet, I felt stuck. What should I do? Should I stay or should I go? My heart was sick. I became distant and short with my family. I stopped spending time at home and did everything I could to escape their eyes urging me to move with them. My heart was torn.
I prayed for peace. Lord, give me peace toward one decision or the other. Which one should I choose? What is your will?
MAKING A DECISION
Okay God. If you're not giving me an answer, I'm just going to choose. But how? In the midst of my grief in choosing, I went to a church gathering for college students. The pastor got up and gave one of those messages that will stick with me for the rest of my life. He said, sometimes it doesn't matter which one you choose. God lives outside of time and already knows which one you'll choose. He can use you wherever you go, whatever you do. It doesn't matter because as long as you're choosing to honor Him with every decision you make, you'll be making the right one.
I told my parents that I wanted to try to stay. I didn't know how, but I didn't want to leave. I felt I would lose myself if I left. They were moving to the middle of nowhere an hour outside of St. Louis where the exit they lived off of was that one with a gas station, a McDonalds, and a Subway. It's that exit that you drive past and stop for a potty break during a long trip to your final destination. This wasn't a place where I could see myself thriving. Thriving wasn't a word I used yet, but it's what my heart longed for. I wanted to be known, to be loved and belong, and to thrive.
I still remember what my dad said to me when I came up with my financial plan to stay. "You can't." It stung and I was shocked by his bluntness. "This is not enough money to make ends meet. You can't stay here. You're not ready. You're not responsible enough." I can still feel the sting in those words. I later found out that feeling like I'm not enough is a big trigger for me. I have huge amounts of anxiety around being enough. And here was my father who had supported me and loved me since I was born telling me I couldn't do it. I remember crying and feeling tremendous loss on top of the guilt I was already feeling for staying when my family was leaving. I wanted to stay, but how could I when my dad, the man who had been so wise and so smart, said I couldn't do it. I was not enough.
Then, in that sadness, I felt a clarity. I felt a peace with staying in Georgia that I hadn't felt before. I didn't want to move and I was going to do everything I could to make staying a reality. I started looking for another job. I started looking for housing. I started to figure out how to buy or borrow a car. My life in Georgia was going to happen.
I still remember what my dad said to me when I came up with my financial plan to stay. "You can't." It stung and I was shocked by his bluntness. "This is not enough money to make ends meet. You can't stay here. You're not ready. You're not responsible enough." I can still feel the sting in those words. I later found out that feeling like I'm not enough is a big trigger for me. I have huge amounts of anxiety around being enough. And here was my father who had supported me and loved me since I was born telling me I couldn't do it. I remember crying and feeling tremendous loss on top of the guilt I was already feeling for staying when my family was leaving. I wanted to stay, but how could I when my dad, the man who had been so wise and so smart, said I couldn't do it. I was not enough.
Then, in that sadness, I felt a clarity. I felt a peace with staying in Georgia that I hadn't felt before. I didn't want to move and I was going to do everything I could to make staying a reality. I started looking for another job. I started looking for housing. I started to figure out how to buy or borrow a car. My life in Georgia was going to happen.
LIVING WITH THE DECISION
Just because we make a decision doesn't mean life will be easy. It may not matter which option you choose; there are complications with every one. I'm proud of you for making a decision. Now stick with it. Just because it gets hard, doesn't mean it's time to quit or that you should have gone the other way. Be thankful that you got to choose and be specifically grateful for the little things that are good. If you had picked the other one, you wouldn't know this person or you wouldn't have experienced that or you wouldn't have grown in this way.
It was the clarity that I found and the peace I felt that gave me the courage to march forward. I found a basement to live in. God bless them, I don't know how I would have lived without them! I got another part time job that helped so, so much and payed way better. My parents gave me their minivan, yes a freakin minivan, to drive because I couldn't afford my own car. That was the only thing they gave me. The rest of the expenses were on me, but that van made it possible to stay. Imagine the horror of having to drive an minivan everywhere as a kid barely out of high school. I swear to this day that I will never own a minivan. Never, ever.
But once I had made the decision and they had moved and I was living my life, it wasn't all rainbows and butterflies. I still struggled with loneliness. I started having anxiety attacks and I hated being alone. And yet, I was thankful for the presence of people who cared if I was doing okay and checked in on my even months after they had gone. I was grateful that though I had to drive a minivan, I had a reliable vehicle. I was thankful that with the 2nd job I'd gotten, I would save almost half of my income every month to get a new car when the van died. I was intentional about being grateful and surrounding myself with people who poured into me and supported me.
But once I had made the decision and they had moved and I was living my life, it wasn't all rainbows and butterflies. I still struggled with loneliness. I started having anxiety attacks and I hated being alone. And yet, I was thankful for the presence of people who cared if I was doing okay and checked in on my even months after they had gone. I was grateful that though I had to drive a minivan, I had a reliable vehicle. I was thankful that with the 2nd job I'd gotten, I would save almost half of my income every month to get a new car when the van died. I was intentional about being grateful and surrounding myself with people who poured into me and supported me.
WHAT ABOUT YOU?
I hope you enjoyed today's topic!
If you want to see more by me, check out my full list of blog posts.
Comment below or shoot me an email at AttitudeOfAdventure@gmail.com
Follow me on Instagram, Pinterest, & Facebook @AttitudeOfAdventure
If you want to see more by me, check out my full list of blog posts.
Comment below or shoot me an email at AttitudeOfAdventure@gmail.com
Follow me on Instagram, Pinterest, & Facebook @AttitudeOfAdventure
