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Or if not again, welcome to The Attitude Of Adventure Blog!
I'm Morgan Deane and my mission with this blog is to give great, applicable advice and funny stories, so that you get a laugh, leave with something helpful, and keep coming back!
I'm a Christ follower, I'm married to the LOVE of my life, we're parents to Winston BARKtholomew Deane the Goldendoodle, and I love drinking homemade smoothies every morning!
{Want to know More About Me? Check it out!}
And now, for the reason you came here today!
I'm Morgan Deane and my mission with this blog is to give great, applicable advice and funny stories, so that you get a laugh, leave with something helpful, and keep coming back!
I'm a Christ follower, I'm married to the LOVE of my life, we're parents to Winston BARKtholomew Deane the Goldendoodle, and I love drinking homemade smoothies every morning!
{Want to know More About Me? Check it out!}
And now, for the reason you came here today!
There's a lot of tension around this topic. Some people don't understand why, others feel extreme guilt or are shunned by family if they don't wait, others are all for having sex with anyone and everyone at any time. There's such extreme difference in opinions and yet it seems like it doesn't get talked about in a positive light very often.
1. I Grew Up In A Christian Home
First and foremost, I grew up in a home where we went to church every Sunday. We were super involved through serving and community groups. My faith as a child was deeply rooted in Jesus Christ, my Savior.
As you can probably guess, part of our beliefs are that you should wait to have sex until marriage. I grew up believing that was true, but never really understood why. My parent's had the sex talk with me when I was in middle school and after that one awkward night, I never heard anything else about it. I was a shy kid who didn't like asking awkward questions and I was homeschool, so I didn't have any friends who talked about it (which is honestly, probably a good thing...)
I knew the reasons why I shouldn't have premarital sex, but never really understood why until after I was married.
2. I See Sex As A Sacred Thing
Now that I'm married, I understand that deep connection that you get with your spouse when you have sex. There is just nothing like it! You know him and he knows you in ways that no one else does. If Andy had had sex with someone else before we got married, I would be afraid that he is comparing me to her every time. I'd be afraid that he'd be fantasizing about her as he's about to orgasm. It would be much harder for me to feel loved and wanted with those insecurities. And with that, it would be much harder to desire him and feel connected.
3. We Can Trust Each Other
But wait, you might be thinking. You may save yourself for someone, but why does that mean you have to wait until marriage? When we were engaged, I had a hard time understanding why we should wait. We're committed to each other already. Nothing's going to happen. We could just have sex now.
When you have premarital sex and then get married, the honeymoon just can't be that special. Sex in general won't be as good because you've now associated it with this idea that there's a thrill in doing the wrong thing. We shouldn't be doing this, so it's fun. Then you get married and it's allowed and there just isn't that thrill anymore.
I also trust that Andy won't go off and have an affair because he was willing to wait for me. We are truly committed to each other, not just with words, but with actions of patience.
MY REASONS FOR WAITING
First and foremost, I grew up in a home where we went to church every Sunday. We were super involved through serving and community groups. My faith as a child was deeply rooted in Jesus Christ, my Savior.
As you can probably guess, part of our beliefs are that you should wait to have sex until marriage. I grew up believing that was true, but never really understood why. My parent's had the sex talk with me when I was in middle school and after that one awkward night, I never heard anything else about it. I was a shy kid who didn't like asking awkward questions and I was homeschool, so I didn't have any friends who talked about it (which is honestly, probably a good thing...)
I knew the reasons why I shouldn't have premarital sex, but never really understood why until after I was married.
2. I See Sex As A Sacred Thing
Now that I'm married, I understand that deep connection that you get with your spouse when you have sex. There is just nothing like it! You know him and he knows you in ways that no one else does. If Andy had had sex with someone else before we got married, I would be afraid that he is comparing me to her every time. I'd be afraid that he'd be fantasizing about her as he's about to orgasm. It would be much harder for me to feel loved and wanted with those insecurities. And with that, it would be much harder to desire him and feel connected.
3. We Can Trust Each Other
But wait, you might be thinking. You may save yourself for someone, but why does that mean you have to wait until marriage? When we were engaged, I had a hard time understanding why we should wait. We're committed to each other already. Nothing's going to happen. We could just have sex now.
When you have premarital sex and then get married, the honeymoon just can't be that special. Sex in general won't be as good because you've now associated it with this idea that there's a thrill in doing the wrong thing. We shouldn't be doing this, so it's fun. Then you get married and it's allowed and there just isn't that thrill anymore.
I also trust that Andy won't go off and have an affair because he was willing to wait for me. We are truly committed to each other, not just with words, but with actions of patience.
BOUNDARIES
If you intend to save yourself for marriage, you need to be ready to deal with the temptations that are most certainly going to tempt you to have sex. Just because you've made the decision to wait doesn't mean it'll be easy to.
Each person is different. You need to create boundaries specific to you and your partner. Here are some suggestions, many of which worked for us. The point here is not to get as close to the edge as you can without going over. It's to have boundaries in place that keep you 20 feet from that edge.
Each person is different. You need to create boundaries specific to you and your partner. Here are some suggestions, many of which worked for us. The point here is not to get as close to the edge as you can without going over. It's to have boundaries in place that keep you 20 feet from that edge.
1. Talk With Your Partner
Whether you're dating or engaged, you need to get on the same page with your partner. I want to wait until marriage and you need to help me abstain. If they aren't 100% in agreement with you, you probably won't last until marriage. If you have to be the only one who is resolute in your decision, your partner may be fine waiting, but they aren't going to stop you if you start getting closer and closer to having sex.
If Andy had not both also been resolute in our decision, we wouldn't have waited. I would have been tempted and he wouldn't have stopped it. And vice versa. But because we had both decided that we would wait, it wasn't even a question.
2. No Sleepovers
If you're going to keep yourself from being tempted, this is an easy one to start with. It'll be easier to stay the night sometimes. On vacations, it would be easier to get 1 room instead of 2. What's the harm, you'll think. It's not like anything will happen. That's not the point though. The point is not letting yourself get close to the edge.
Now, I must confess that there are 2 occasions where we "slept over." (This is not including times when we went to visit my parents. During those visits we were in separate rooms.) Once when there was a really bad ice storm and I couldn't get back home safely. I slept in his bed and he slept on the couch in the basement. And once when my car caught fire and left us stranded in Alabama. We called so many hotels and no one had any rooms. When we finally found one, we took it. We shared a king bed and had a pillow wall in between us. Aside from those times, we never had sleepovers.
3. Don't Be Alone
Putting yourself in a situation where it'll be hard to say no is not wise. Being alone together in a dark room and a rom-com isn't setting yourself up for success. Just having others in the house, even if they're not in the room with you can help head off temptations. Andy and I didn't apply this one on purpose, but there weren't a lot of times where we had a house to ourselves.
4. Don't Push Each Other
If one person isn't comfortable with something, don't do it. Andy and I took it really slow because I had never been in a relationship before. He was super patient with me... maybe too patient because we didn't even kiss until 6 months in. Given, there's a foot of height difference between us, so that makes kisses very intentional. You can't just boop, there's a kiss! But hey, it turned out great and we're married now! Most won't want to take it that slow, but you still need to be respectful of your partner's comfort level.
1. Have A Short Engagement
This certainly isn't for everyone, but we were only engaged for 5 months. I wasn't a bridezilla and understood that the most important thing was the marriage, not the wedding. As we got closer and closer to being married, it got more and more tempting to have sex. Passion ignited in both of us and waiting any longer seemed unreasonable. Thank goodness we didn't have a super long engagement!
2. Do Pre-Marital Counseling
This was one of the best things we did for our marriage. Seriously! We loved our mentors and still meet with them about every 6 months. They brought up things that we wouldn't have talked about and made us work through some issues before hand. This was the first time we heard about Feeling Words.
One of the jobs of a good pre-marriage counselor is to make the pair of you discuss your sexual past. Maybe you have not had sex before but you have looked at porn. You may have not had intercourse but you might have done a hand job before. There should be no surprises. Before you get married tell your partner everything and work through it together, then when you get married everyone knows what they are signing up for.
3. Talk About Expectations
Because neither of us had had sex, when our pre-marital mentors asked how often each of us expected to have sex, I had no idea what to say. You hear so many stereotypes. It sounds wonderful, but if it is, why is there so much tension around it? The wife seems to be the gatekeeper to sex and the husband is always hounding her for it. I didn't know how often I would want to have sex. I had no context. But it was still helpful for us to talk about it and see where each of us were.
4. Stop Referring To Stereotypes
Speaking of, just put those out of your mind. I had so much anxiety around the wedding night because I didn't know what to expect. Each of us was putting so much pressure around making it the "perfect" night and we didn't have anything to compare it to except the stereotypes. Movies are super unrealistic. Sex does not happen that fast and certainly not that easy. Rolling over in the middle of it is hardly possible and not that smooth. Shower sex is not even sexy because one of you is cold and the other is just trying not to fall.
When we brought up our anxieties to our mentors, they told us to stop holding it to such a high standard. No one is even going to know how it went except us. And if they ask, say, "Wouldn't you like to know?" And you know what? I don't even remember how that sex was. I'm sure it was terrible compared to what we have now. But letting go of the stereotype that it must be perfect allowed us both to relax and enjoy the experience.
5. Listen To Sexy Marriage Radio
I know. Weird, right? We listen to a podcast all about sex. Honestly though, this may be the most useful resource we have. Dr. Cory Allen is a marriage and sex therapist. He's an excellent teacher and conversationalist. He's interesting to listen to and gives great, tangible advice. Best of all, his Christian beliefs feed into everything that he says. You won't hear anything that goes against the bible. Andy and I are avid listeners and recommend Sexy Marriage Radio to all of our married friends. There are several episodes specially talking to newly-weds or soon-to-be-weds.
Whether you're dating or engaged, you need to get on the same page with your partner. I want to wait until marriage and you need to help me abstain. If they aren't 100% in agreement with you, you probably won't last until marriage. If you have to be the only one who is resolute in your decision, your partner may be fine waiting, but they aren't going to stop you if you start getting closer and closer to having sex.
If Andy had not both also been resolute in our decision, we wouldn't have waited. I would have been tempted and he wouldn't have stopped it. And vice versa. But because we had both decided that we would wait, it wasn't even a question.
2. No Sleepovers
If you're going to keep yourself from being tempted, this is an easy one to start with. It'll be easier to stay the night sometimes. On vacations, it would be easier to get 1 room instead of 2. What's the harm, you'll think. It's not like anything will happen. That's not the point though. The point is not letting yourself get close to the edge.
Now, I must confess that there are 2 occasions where we "slept over." (This is not including times when we went to visit my parents. During those visits we were in separate rooms.) Once when there was a really bad ice storm and I couldn't get back home safely. I slept in his bed and he slept on the couch in the basement. And once when my car caught fire and left us stranded in Alabama. We called so many hotels and no one had any rooms. When we finally found one, we took it. We shared a king bed and had a pillow wall in between us. Aside from those times, we never had sleepovers.
3. Don't Be Alone
Putting yourself in a situation where it'll be hard to say no is not wise. Being alone together in a dark room and a rom-com isn't setting yourself up for success. Just having others in the house, even if they're not in the room with you can help head off temptations. Andy and I didn't apply this one on purpose, but there weren't a lot of times where we had a house to ourselves.
4. Don't Push Each Other
If one person isn't comfortable with something, don't do it. Andy and I took it really slow because I had never been in a relationship before. He was super patient with me... maybe too patient because we didn't even kiss until 6 months in. Given, there's a foot of height difference between us, so that makes kisses very intentional. You can't just boop, there's a kiss! But hey, it turned out great and we're married now! Most won't want to take it that slow, but you still need to be respectful of your partner's comfort level.
THINGS THAT MADE IT EASIER
This certainly isn't for everyone, but we were only engaged for 5 months. I wasn't a bridezilla and understood that the most important thing was the marriage, not the wedding. As we got closer and closer to being married, it got more and more tempting to have sex. Passion ignited in both of us and waiting any longer seemed unreasonable. Thank goodness we didn't have a super long engagement!
2. Do Pre-Marital Counseling
This was one of the best things we did for our marriage. Seriously! We loved our mentors and still meet with them about every 6 months. They brought up things that we wouldn't have talked about and made us work through some issues before hand. This was the first time we heard about Feeling Words.
One of the jobs of a good pre-marriage counselor is to make the pair of you discuss your sexual past. Maybe you have not had sex before but you have looked at porn. You may have not had intercourse but you might have done a hand job before. There should be no surprises. Before you get married tell your partner everything and work through it together, then when you get married everyone knows what they are signing up for.
3. Talk About Expectations
Because neither of us had had sex, when our pre-marital mentors asked how often each of us expected to have sex, I had no idea what to say. You hear so many stereotypes. It sounds wonderful, but if it is, why is there so much tension around it? The wife seems to be the gatekeeper to sex and the husband is always hounding her for it. I didn't know how often I would want to have sex. I had no context. But it was still helpful for us to talk about it and see where each of us were.
4. Stop Referring To Stereotypes
Speaking of, just put those out of your mind. I had so much anxiety around the wedding night because I didn't know what to expect. Each of us was putting so much pressure around making it the "perfect" night and we didn't have anything to compare it to except the stereotypes. Movies are super unrealistic. Sex does not happen that fast and certainly not that easy. Rolling over in the middle of it is hardly possible and not that smooth. Shower sex is not even sexy because one of you is cold and the other is just trying not to fall.
When we brought up our anxieties to our mentors, they told us to stop holding it to such a high standard. No one is even going to know how it went except us. And if they ask, say, "Wouldn't you like to know?" And you know what? I don't even remember how that sex was. I'm sure it was terrible compared to what we have now. But letting go of the stereotype that it must be perfect allowed us both to relax and enjoy the experience.
5. Listen To Sexy Marriage Radio
I know. Weird, right? We listen to a podcast all about sex. Honestly though, this may be the most useful resource we have. Dr. Cory Allen is a marriage and sex therapist. He's an excellent teacher and conversationalist. He's interesting to listen to and gives great, tangible advice. Best of all, his Christian beliefs feed into everything that he says. You won't hear anything that goes against the bible. Andy and I are avid listeners and recommend Sexy Marriage Radio to all of our married friends. There are several episodes specially talking to newly-weds or soon-to-be-weds.
WHAT ABOUT YOU?
How do you feel about this post? What are some things that would help or would have helped you?
I hope you enjoyed today's topic!
If you want to see more by me, check out my full list of blog posts.
Comment below or shoot me an email at AttitudeOfAdventure@gmail.com
Follow me on Instagram, Pinterest, & Facebook @AttitudeOfAdventure
I hope you enjoyed today's topic!
If you want to see more by me, check out my full list of blog posts.
Comment below or shoot me an email at AttitudeOfAdventure@gmail.com
Follow me on Instagram, Pinterest, & Facebook @AttitudeOfAdventure
